18 Insights from My Laptop Yissurin

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18 Insights from My Laptop Yissurin

My original plan was to write a blog post on Tehilim 92 as a follow-up to yesterday's How to Learn Tehilim post. As you can see, this didn't happen. 

Why not? Because I am a dumb-dumb.

This morning I sat at my laptop with my large mug of bullet-proof coffee - like I do every morning - and I began my daily summer blog routine. First I checked the blog itself to make sure that the scheduled post on Tehilim had gone up without any complications. Next I shared the post on Facebook - on my own pages, and in a large Torah discussion group. I was just about to start writing Tuesday's post when something unexpected happened. 

You know how every once in a while you take a gulp of some beverage and it goes down the wrong pipe and you choke? And you know how if it was a REALLY big gulp, then sometimes your tracheal reflex will cause you to "do a spit take" and and spray the liquid like the Dilophosaurus in Jurassic Park (1993)? 

Well, that's what happened to me and my coffee ... and my keyboard. 

The coffee went all over the left side of my laptop keyboard. I immediately got paper towels and mopped up the liquid on the surface. Next, I popped off the affected keys and soaked them in soapy water while cleaning the keyless keyboard with Q-tips and rubbing alcohol. Then I cut small pieces of paper into strips and shoved them under the key mechanisms to soak up as much liquid as a I could. Finally, I turned the laptop upside down (in a swift motion) and left it upside down to see if I could get the liquid to dry up. 

The good news is that it wasn't enough liquid to short out the circuit board. The bad news is that several of the keys malfunctioned. Whenever I pressed "1" or "q," it would type the character and then immediately backspace or page-down. When I pressed "a" it would type "a" and then act as though I right-clicked. My left Shift key acted like a Tab key and my right Shift key would type the letter "z" and my Windows key would type the letter "q" and the letter "z" does random things.

For the next hour I frantically and neurotically tried other methods of drying out any remaining liquid on the keyboard, which I could still see under the inaccessible parts of the plastic key mechanisms. Then I had to drive to work. 

As soon as I began my drive to work I recalled Chazal's statement in Berachos 5a: 

If a person sees that yissurin (afflictions) befall him, he should examine his actions, as it is stated: "Let us examine and analyze our ways, and we will return to Hashem" (Eichah 3:40).

I then recalled another statement from Chazal in Arachin 16b, in which they define what is considered "yissurim": 

Up to what point is something still considered "yissurin"? R' Elazar said: If a man had a garment tailored for him to wear and it doesn't fit him. Rebbi Zeira - and some say Rebbi Shmuel bar Nachmeini - objected to this, saying: "More than this has been said. Even if he was to be served hot and it was served cold, or cold and it was served hot! And you require so much?!" Mar bar Ravina said: "Even if his shirt got turned inside out." Rava - and some say Rav Chisda, and some say Rebbi Yitzchak, and some say it was taught in a braisa - "Even if he put his hand into his pocket to take out three [coins] and he only grabbed two."

From this second Chazal we see that even petty annoyances and inconveniences qualify as yissurin. From the first Chazal we see that the proper response to yissurin is to examine your actions.

I realized that although the topic of "yissurin" is broad, deep, and fraught with machlokess, I think it's pretty safe to assume that my laptop malfunctioning would qualify as yissurin, and that this was an opportunity to analyze my actions. In fact, I realized that I had already started analyzing this morning's yissurin soon after it happened, before I even thought about Chazal's injunction to do so.

I decided that since this is something that has been on my mind all day, I figured I'd write up the fruits of my analysis as today's blog post. Some of these insights relate to ideas; others are more personal and particular. These thoughts are written in no particular order, since I can't recall the order in which they came to me.

Thought #1: My coffee-spitting started as Category #1 Ra but was ultimately a Category #2 Ra. Someday I need to write a full blog post on this, but here's the short version. The Rambam writes that there are three categories of ra (harm/evil/badness/loss/corruption/destruction) in the world: 

1. ra that is caused by the nature of the physical world
2. ra that is inflicted by one person on another, and 
3. ra that a person inflicts on himself, due to ignorance or foolishness

My choking on the coffee was a Category #1 ra, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. But two seconds before I sprayed the coffee, I sensed that this might happen and could have turned away from my computer screen, but I made a split-second decision not to, and as a result, I sprayed coffee on my keyboard. The situation I found myself in may not have been my fault, but it was my own overconfidence in my ability to swallow my coffee - in conscious defiance of my cough reflex - which led me to spray my keyboard.

Thought #2: Yay - I learned from last time! Unfortunately, this isn't the second time that a laptop of mine has been ruined by coffee. Three years ago I actually spilled coffee on my keyboard (due to actual negligence) and TOTALLY wrecked the entire laptop. As soon as I got a new one, I made a rule for myself to always rest the laptop on top of a book instead of keeping it directly on the table or desk. That way, if I ever spilled anything, it would damage the book and not the laptop. This morning, as I mopped up my coffee spray, I found myself reflecting on how happy I was that I implemented that precaution, since it saved my laptop from spill-induced destruction on two or three occasions during its lifetime. Did I screw up this time? Yes - but it was a different screw-up than last time, and I did learn from last time. And as long as I can still learn from my mistakes, then there is hope for the future.

Thought #3: I can't rush evaporation. There are two possibilities as to what has happened to my keyboard: either the malfunction is the result of actual damage, which means that this keyboard is toast, or the malfunction is the result of the effects of the current level of moisture, which would mean that there's hope that functionality will return when the moisture dries. This morning I found myself anxiously waiting for the moisture to dry, and I've been checking the laptop every 30 minutes or so since then. A great amount of the stress I feel stems from my lack of control over the evaporation of the moisture. I realize that deep down - or NOT so deep down! - I want to be able to control the speed of the evaporation. Obviously this is absurd, but stating the absurdity shows how childish my psyche can be.

Thought #4: Thank God for my hands and everything which makes them work. Even though my keyboard was messed up, I could still type - albeit slowly (since I needed to manually click with my mouse every time I typed an "a" or a "q," and I needed to use Caps Lock instead of shift). I take pride in my usual typing speed (99-101 words per minute last time I checked), and my pride changed to gratitude when I was forced to type slowly. I was reminded of the commentary of the Sefer ha'Menuchah on the berachah (blessing) of ha'meichin mitzadei gaver ("Blessed are You, Hashem, our God, King of the Universe, Who readies the footsteps of man"). He explained that this berachah is an acknowledgement of the chochmas Hashem (God's wisdom) that is manifest in the design of the human foot: it's soft enough to be able to feel what you're stepping on, yet hard enough to endure walking, while having a structure that enables us to balance, and enough "podexterity" (read: dexterity of the foot) to be able to manipulate objects with one's toes, etc. The same is true for the hands, even though there is no berachah on them. I realized how much I take it for granted that I'm able to just THINK a sentence and suddenly see it typed on the screen - an activity which utilizes my brain, the rest of my nervous system, and my musculoskeletal system, all of which reflects tremendous chochmas Hashem. I just didn't really think about it until I was impeded in my normal activity. Sometimes you only appreciate what you have when you no longer have it. (Full disclosure: I did NOT lose my hands - just my ability to use them to type quickly.)

Thought #5: Mishlei helps SOOO much! Shlomo ha'Melech writes about Mishlei: "When wisdom enters your heart and knowledge become pleasant to your soul, [a wise] design will watch over you [and] understanding will safeguard you" (Mishlei 2:10-11). If I recall correctly from the last time I learned this, the idea is that the more you learn and internalize the Mishleic way of thinking, the more you'll find that there are "automated Mishleic benefits" which accrue to you without any effort on your part. I found myself comparing this laptop disaster to my previous one three years ago. That time I got upset and angry at myself and found myself with a need to complain about it. This time, I was annoyed and a bit stressed out, but I was also much more level-headed and stoic (or Stoic) about my situation - and I wasn't angry. This difference in my reaction is difficult to precisely capture in words. Suffice it to say, I noticed that even a couple of years of learning Mishlei can go a long way in changing one's response to yissurin. 

Thought #6: Yay - my priorities are in order! As soon as I realized that my laptop use was compromised, the first thing I thought about was, "Oh no - how am I going to write tomorrow's blog post in time?" My next thought was, "Oh no - my grades are due, and I need time to write end-of-the-year comments on students' report cards. How am I going to do this if I'm not able to type? If I write shorter comments, my students will get less feedback, and that isn't right!" It wasn't until a full 30 minutes later that I thought to myself, "Oh no - is this going to jeopardize the ways I use my laptop for entertainment purposes?" And then I rejoiced over the fact that I didn't even think about using my laptop for entertainment until LONG after I thought about how I needed it for more substantial reasons. I was happy that I had my priorities straight. 

Thought #7: Tefilah works. I've made it a point to add a bakashah (request) about my laptop in my tefilos today. As I've written about in the past, the process of formulating a bakashah activates and actualizes many of the objectives of tefilah. Doing so this morning helped me to recognize my place in the universe - that I am a physical being with physical possessions in a world fraught with physical imperfections, reliant upon the beneficence of the One non-physical Creator. It helped me to come to terms with the fact that there are things which are in my control which I can change, and things that are beyond my control which I cannot change. It helped me to be thankful for all of the good I have received, and to recognize that this good far outweighs this exceedingly minor inconvenience. All of this made me thankful for the mitzvah of tefilah, without which I would not have arrived at many of the thoughts in this post.

Thought #8: Thank God my yissurin wasn't something worse. We're talking about a couple of malfunctioning keys on a laptop, which is NOTHING compared to other yissurin that could have happened. Although I've had struggles, obstacles, and tragedies in my life - along with "days of darkness [which] are many" (Koheles 11:8) - my life is GOOD, on the whole. I'm healthy and happy; I have my dream job during the year (teaching) and my dream hobby during the summer (writing); I have so many amazing friends, teachers, colleagues, students, and family members with whom I get to interact with on a regular basis; I have Judaism, Torah, and learning; and I live at a time and in a place in which many of the raos in category #1 and 2 have been greatly diminished. The incident this morning? It was nothing - NOTHING! - relative to the amount of goodness I have received. It's not like I got diagnosed with an illness, or got into a car accident, or lost a loved one. In the grand scheme of things, this is absolutely nothing. As we say in Birkas ha'Gomel: "Blessed are You, Hashem, our God, King of the universe, Who bestows good to those who are liable [for punishment], Who has bestowed me with all good."

Thought #9: Thank God I can afford another laptop. Would another laptop be expensive? Yes. Do I make a ton of money? No. Would this unplanned expense deplete funds which I had planned on saving? Yes. But here's the thing: I CAN afford another laptop. This will not jeopardize my ability to pay rent, buy gas, or have food to eat. The realization that some people in my situation would NOT be able to afford another laptop made me thankful for what I have. There are many others who, upon breaking their laptop, simply wouldn't be able to buy a replacement.

Thought #10: Thank God I was able to own a laptop in the first place. This is similar to the previous one, but stands as its own hodaah (thanksgiving). There are many people who aren't even fortunate enough to have a laptop to break! 

Thought #11: Thank God I live in a place and at a time when I can get a new laptop within hours. I can literally order a laptop online or drive to an electronics store and get a new laptop with virtually no wait. This actually occurred to me when I thought about the possibility that I might have to send in my laptop to get fixed. Once I thought of that, I said, "No way! If I had to give up my laptop for even a week, I'd just buy a new one." This made me realize how spoiled I am by living in this first world country. I don't EVEN have to suffer through the yissurin of impatience.

Thought #12: Thank God I have friends who know their way around computers. One of my friends - who also happens to be a colleague at work - is a computer guy, and offered to surgically open up my laptop to see whether the damage I did was permanent or temporary. 

Thought #13: Thank God I was able to borrow a laptop from my school! The aforementioned friend of mine suggested that I get permission from The Keeper of Laptops at my school to borrow a laptop until I resolve my issues. Once I got that permission, I breathed a sigh of relief. At LEAST I'll be able to keep up my blogging schedule, even if the damage I did was permanent. (That's how I was able to write this blog post, in case you're wondering.) Thank God she gave me permission - and that we have spare laptops to be borrowed by teachers who need them!

Thought #14: Apparently, I punish my inanimate objects. I noticed something when I went to get a drink (away from my laptop) just now: I didn't put water and soap in my coffee mug after breakfast this morning. I must emphasize how unusual this is. Every morning when I'm done with my coffee I either fill my mug with soap and hot water, or I wash it completely. I just noticed - now, in the afternoon - that I just left my mug in the sink this morning without any soap or water. My guess is that this is my psyche's attempt to "punish" my cup for this morning's incident. This just shows how far my unconscious will go to deflect the blame from my own stupidity.

Thought #15: Things don't have to go my way. For the rest of the day I was HYPER-aware of all the things that might not go as I planned. Was I going to spill something else on my coffee? Was I going to drop my phone? Was I going to cut my finger when preparing dinner? Was I going to get into a car accident? Somehow, my little mishap in the morning made me realize how much I take it for granted when planning to do an action, that the intended outcome will actually occur. "Many are the thoughts of man, but the counsel of Hashem will prevail" (Mishlei 19:21). 

Thought #16: "Teshuvah thoughts." When Chazal said that a person who suffered yissurin should "analyze his actions," they were referring primarily to a teshuvah-centered analysis. Although most of the thoughts listed here aren't specifically teshuvah based, I did have my share of teshuvah thoughts. I don't really feel comfortable spelling them out here. I just wanted to acknowledge their existence.

Thought #17: Thank God for Judaism! ALL of these thoughts and insights were only made possible because of the framework of Torah in which I have lived since I became a Jew nearly 18 years ago. Had my life taken a different path, I still might have sprayed coffee on my laptop, but everything about my reaction would have been different. I certainly wouldn't have associated to the two statements of Chazal which prompted me to analyze my actions, and I wouldn't have had all of these thoughts, or had such an equanimous response.

Thought #18: My yissurin made me happy! At some point in the (probably) distant future, I'll write up a series of blog posts about Iyov - including "The Answer" to the question of tzadik v'ra lo and rasha v'tov lo. I'm not going to even allude to what the answer is here. I will, however, say that the Rambam writes about this answer:

If man knows this, all yissurin will be borne lightly by him, and misfortunes will not add to his doubts regarding Hashem and whether He does or does not know and whether He exercises hashgachah (providence) or manifests neglect. To the contrary, they (i.e. the yissurin) will increase his love [of Hashem], as is said in the conclusion of the prophetic revelation in this book: "therefore I abhor [my former thoughts], and I regret dust and ashes" (Iyov 42:6). As the Sages of blessed memory have spoken about: "those who do out of love and are joyful in yissurin" (Talmud Bavli 88b).

Let me be clear: I am NOT, in any way, equating my laptop malfunction with Iyov losing his property, his children, and his health. At the same time, I can see - on my small, wimpy, "first world problems" scale of yissurin - how it is possible for yissurin to not be experienced as a tragic misfortune, but as an opportunity to increase one's love of Hashem. Moreover, I have partaken of the joy that can come from the insights yielded by these small yissurin. I know that even a small insight like this can act as a seed which will develop into a fruitful tree that continues yielding its produce for years and decades to come. That alone is worth the price of a new laptop.

There may have been more insights I had on my drive to work, and there may be more yet. But all of this just goes to show how much more productive the Torah's prescribed response to yissurin is, compared to the standard response of griping, complaining, and getting mad at God or the universe. 

Even though this particular yissurin didn't happen to you, that you were still able to gain from the perspective I articulated in this post.