Don't Believe in Yourself

Originally posted in May 2013. Click here for a printer-friendly version of this article.

Artwork: Flux, by Richard Kane Ferguson

Don't Believe in Yourself

In Avos 2:4 we are taught in the name of Hillel: "אַל תַּאֲמֵן בְּעַצְמָךְ עַד יוֹם מוֹתָךְ" which means: "Don't believe in yourself until the day of your death." In order to understand this statement, we must answer three basic questions: 

1. What does Hillel mean by "don't believe in yourself"? "Believe in yourself" in regards to what? Practically speaking, what is he instructing us not to do?
   
2. What does "until the day of your death" add? Hillel could have simply said, "Never believe in yourself" or he could have said "Don't believe in yourself" and it would have been understood that this advice applies for the duration of our lives. What is gained by incorporating "until the day of your death" into his formulation?
   
3. Why shouldn't we believe in ourselves until the day of our death? Why should I listen to Hillel's advice? What are the consequences of ignoring his admonition? 

Rashi doesn't directly explain what Hillel means. Instead, he provides an example:

Don’t believe in yourself until the day of your death – for Yochanan, the Kohen Gadol, served as the Kohen Gadol for 80 years, but ultimately became a Tzeduki (a heretical sect of Jews who lived during the time of the second Beis ha'Mikdash).

How does this clarify our understanding of Hillel's statement? How is Yochanan becoming a Tzeduki an example of failing to heed Hillel's warning?

The answers to these questions emerge from a careful reading of Hillel's statement. According to Rashi, Hillel meant exactly what he said. "אַל תַּאֲמֵן בְּעַצְמָךְ" means: do not believe in the existence of a "true self" - a permanent, immutable essence which constitutes who you "really" are. 

In truth, there is no unchanging and authentic "core" of your being. Who you are is in a constant state of flux. You will become whatever kind of person you choose to become, or whatever you allow yourself to become.

This idea is part and parcel of the fundamental principle of bechirah (free will). In Hilchos Teshuvah 5:2 the Rambam writes:

Each and every person is fit to be a tzadik (righteous person) like Moshe Rabbeinu or a rasha (wicked person) like Yeravam, or wise, or foolish, or merciful, or cruel, or stingy, or generous, and likewise with all other qualities.

If a person feels that his virtuous qualities - such as righteousness, wisdom, mercy, and generosity - are an intrinsic part of "who he is," then he is mistaken. Likewise, if a person believes that he cannot become a rasha like Yeravam, then he is operating under a false idea of what it means to have bechirah.

Rashi brings down the example of Yochanan to illustrate this point. Yochanan served as the Kohen Gadol - the paragon of kedushah (holiness) and avodas Hashem (service of God) - for 80 years. If you asked an average Jew on the street whether Yochanan could ever become a heretic, you would receive a resounding, "Of course not! What are you, crazy?" And yet, at the end of his life, Yochanan became a Tzeduki. This doesn't necessarily imply that his former righteousness was a façade, but it certainly refutes the notion that commitment to Toras Moshe was an unalterable part of his very being.

Rashi's example is meant to trigger a certain realization in ourselves. If Yochanan - a tzadik of the highest caliber, who served in the kodesh ha'kodashim (Holy of Holies) for 80 years - could transform into a total apikores (heretic), in spite of his superb track record, kal va'chomer people such as ourselves! 

And yet, we manage to convince ourselves otherwise without any hesitation. "I'm not the type of person who would violate Shabbos!" "I wouldn't take revenge; that's just not me." "I would never cheat on my spouse! What kind of a person do you think I am?" All of these types of self-assurances fall into Hillel's category of "believing in oneself."

Hillel's principle supports a notion I've entertained for quite some time. To my mind, it is more accurate to think of oneself not as a human being, but as a human becoming. We humans are never frozen in a permanent state of being. We are always in flux - a state of continual becoming.

We are now in a position to answer all three of the questions we asked on the mishnah.

1. What does Hillel mean by "don't believe in yourself"? He takes this statement literally: do not believe in the existence of an incorruptible "true self." His use of the verb תַּאֲמֵן is quite appropriate. The root א.מ.נ. means "firm" and "permanent," as in, "וַיְהִי יָדָיו אֱמוּנָה עַד בֹּא הַשָּׁמֶשׁ" - "And his hands were firm until sunrise" (Shemos 17:12) and "הַאֲמִינוּ בַּה' אֱלֹהֵיכֶם וְתֵאָמֵנוּ" - "Have firm conviction in Hashem, your God, and you will be strengthened" (II Divrei ha'Yamim 20:20, as translated by Radak in Sefer ha'Shorashim א.מ.נ.). 
   
2. What does "until the day of your death" add? The reason why he says, "until the day of your death" is because that is when the process of human becoming ends. Only at that point is it possible to look back and know for certain what we truly were. This is the appropriate place for the concept of a "true self." Your "true self" is what you made of yourself with the entirety of your life.
   
3. Why shouldn't we believe in ourselves until the day of our death? It is never wise to take absolute security in anything, and the self is no exception. If I believe that I am immune to corruption, then there is a good chance that I will let down my guard to the agents of change. I might suddenly fall victim to a danger which I was unprepared to face. I might gradually change over time until I have become a different person without even realizing it. I might even rationalize a self-destructive change by faking myself into believing that the change stems from "my true self." In any event, feelings of invulnerability render one vulnerable to the enemy, and in this battle, the stakes are as high as can be. 

One final point to consider: Hillel's statement also applies in the opposite direction. Just because a person has lived as a rasha or a chotei (sinner) for many years does not mean that his way of life reflects his "true self," nor does it mean that change is impossible. As the Rambam wrote: "Each and every person is fit to be a tzadik like Moshe Rabbeinu or a rasha like Yeravam" - the potential for change runs both ways. Perhaps this is what R' Shimon meant when he said: "do not be wicked in your own eyes" (Avos 2:13). 

At the end of the day, remember: it's not over until the end of the day.